My Crucible


The moment we were born, we were placed in an open ocean, where current of the tides are constantly changing. It’s unpredictable undulations will often take our balance off and will lead us to another direction no matter where we have set our sails to. Common goals like smooth sailing and reaching our destination are things we hold on to so we can keep going. But how about for those who doesn’t have a point of destination and those who have been sailing adrift in the middle of unending storms? When the question is no longer how do we sail nor where is our point of destination nor when it is going to end. When the question is how could I live when I’m already drowning?

Few months ago, a simple medical issue led to invalidity for a certain period. It was my crucible. I was already a drowning dog, drifting in the ocean and I felt I have drowned a thousand times more. I could have been a Prozac kid before it hit me. Recovery is within my reach now but the trauma it has caused is still fresh and still living with the consequences. We have this nature to seek comfort from our kin in moments of weakness and sorrow, seeking to no avail is heartbreaking for all,but not for those who knew that was expected. It’s good to be wrong in times like this but truth is easier when it is not only in your face but has slapped you for a couple of times. The thing is we knew that “easier” is still a lie, that even when your expectations are met, being disheartened is inevitable. Complexity of human emotions!

In my moment of pain and agony, some inappropriate words slipped from my lips. I call it inappropriate because they sounded like a dying wish when in fact I wasn’t dying. The unbearable pain and large doses of pain relievers perhaps contributed to my hallucination of being in a deathbed. I wanted to be buried somewhere I felt I have been loved. Of all the things I have wished, aimed and failed, I have never thought that is the sort of final wish I will ever have. It sounds ridiculous and more simple compared to my colleague shouting “Lord let me go to Disneyland before I die” when an earthquake hit our city more than a year ago. I have accepted death with open arms as of that moment. Disturbing as it is, I wanted it for a long time but I can’t get my hands into it for reasons I’ll write about next time. If I have died in the hospital in those days, I’m not certain if I’ll be at peace. I have been loved but I was selfish to want more especially from those I have expected to.

Looking back now to the memorable events 7 months ago, nothing much has changed. My ship is beyond repair, my map has faded and my compass is broken. I stand still for the emptiness of the abyss is creeping towards me. My crucible has not ended and the journey continues. All my questions are still unanswered. The difference now is I do not seek for what I was hallucinating about, instead, appreciated who stood by. I was blind to see that I have it all along and it’s in idyllic form.